Failing

I was pretty frustrated Tuesday night.  The kids were sick and I'd had about 4 nights with maybe four hours of sleep each night (I'm a girl who needs her sleep).  I was getting sick to boot.  I'd had an emergency project at work come up on top of my busy work schedule this week.  I had an annual report I had to completely have drafted by today for a Foundation that I chair because no one else "got" my vision for how I wanted to revamp the report.  Plus I realized all the notarized applications, with doctors signed statements, were due this week in order for the trio to be admitted to their school program in the fall (and the school wants ALL of the pages  filled out in original regardless of the fact that the information is duplicate). 

I was really overwhelmed.  My boot camp had started back up for May on Monday-Wednesday-Fridays, and I'd missed Monday because I couldn't leave at 4:45 am when I was tending to the eldest's coughing.  I sent a late night text to my boot camp buddy finally caving.  This is what it said: "sherry - i'm going to take may off from boot camp and just join the gym.  the kids are so sick, i have to write a book, host a 20th anniversary gala, and cover depos.  i feel like crap and need some flexibility.  pls let shelton know i'm in for june." 

The next morning, I felt like a failure.  I still need to lose the 20 pounds that I lazily let creep on this past year.  Even though I've been back at boot camp since January, I've not seen the results I did the year before because I've not been rigorous about my diet.  And here I am bailing on the one thing that's keeping me from another 20 pounds.  I looked at my husband in complete and utter failure and desperation the next morning and said, I don't know what else to do.  He looked back at me with one look that seemed to say, uh yeah, what do you think I'm doing, I'm underwater here too! 

I felt guilty all day.  It was a lovely cocktail.  Exhausted, swamped, frazzled, guilted, and failed. 

Today I came to the, possibly entirely self-preservational, conclusion that it's okay.  Not okay to walk around feeling guilty (there's a whole other post on true guilt versus false guilt that I was reminded of in a recent bible study).  Okay to fail.  And let's not sugar coat it - it is failing.  The goal was work out at least three times a week and lose some weight in order to stay healthy and I just didn't hit the goal this week - and probably won't hit it this month. 

However, when you live in the real world with real world messes, sometimes there is really only one thing that can give.  When that happens, and hopefully it's rarely, that thing just has to give.  Whether you want it to or not.  That one small failure may be the difference between a bunch of bigger failures down the line.  When you or I get determined not to let one thing fall apart, everything eventually falls apart. 

God understands that we sometimes fail.  He encourages us and reminds us that if we trust in Him we'll get back up.  Maybe the reason I failed is because I didn't prioritize in the beginning, and I took on more than I could handle.  I forgot to listen to that still small voice directing my feet which path to take.  My eyes were bigger than my stomach as my momma would say.  But this is the situation today and I have to do the best I can with the time that I have.  Reorder things until I can get back on track.  In the midst of it, I can be encouraged that I may stumble along the way, but because I have a good and faithful Saviour, I will be upheld by His strong hand.  If you find yourself having to grapple with failure today (big or small), then let His strong hands pick you up and tide you over until the deluge passes. 

Psalm 37:24 - If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand. 
Proverbs 27:27 - If a man digs a pit, he will fall into it;  
Psalm 145:19 - The Lord upholds all those who fall... 
Romans 3: 23 - for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God... 
Proverbs 24:16 - for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.... 
Jeremiah 8:4 - When men fall down, do they not get up? When a man turns away, does he not return? 
Psalm 43 - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.

(Isn't it so cool that this verse says "her!")