Revisiting Broken

Shortly before I got married, a song called Broken Road came out.  I immediately fell in love with it.  If you're not familiar with the song by Rascal Flatts, it says:

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I remember how true that rang the day I married Bray.  I knew abandonment, betrayal, and brokenness along the way, but had I not had those encounters, those relationships, those losses, I don't know that I would have found Bray.  God used the heartache to show me what was important in a relationship - what was true and worthwhile. 

I wrote recently that December was a tough month for us.  Well, it must have been a tough month for a number of folks because I've started receiving news about separations and divorces.  Some were pretty surprising.  You wouldn't have known it was coming by looking.  And some splits occurred because the spouse leaving the marriage was revisiting the broken road.  Imagining something from the past was better than it ever was. 

Marriage is hard, and the world around us encourages us to revisit broken.  It's easy to forget how broken the road was that led you to your husband or wife.  You start losing sight in your rear view mirror of the broken heart left in the wake of former relationships.  I've seen how those past relationships get retold in people's memories.  They get all dolled up with the nasty stuff taken out.  They become misty water colored memories of the way we were.   

If you're revisiting broken today, stop.  It's broken.  That's why it ended.  And God healed you from that brokenness to bring you to your spouse (or if He hasn't, He can if you'll let Him).  It's so easy to glamorize days gone by.  But they have gone by.  Too many long lingering looks back will destroy your future.  It's never too late to face forward, put the broken road behind you, and recommit yourself to the road ahead with the one you vowed to journey through life with - for better or worse.

Walk With Him Wednesdays - A Holy Experience

Wordless Wednesdays (or outtakes)

Papa Rick and Other Such Nonsense

The past two weekends have been a laugh riot.  New Year's Eve weekend we spent with Bray's family at the farm in Louisiana popping fireworks, sitting by a bonfire, and eating a lot of black-eyed peas.  This weekend, my father and his wife and my brother came in to visit us from Oklahoma City.  We see them about three or four times a year, so the kids change a ton at this age in the months that separate our visits.  That made this weekend with the family, as well as New Year's weekend, by turns funny, enlightening, and bizarre. 

I think one of my favorite things about my undivided time with the kids on the weekend is observing the nutty stuff they come up.  The funniest example from the weekend is the term the eldest came up with for my dad.  I called my father's parents Papa and Gaby, so that's what the kids call my dad and stepmom.  They're just now starting to learn that we all have names besides mommy, daddy, etc. because my nanny has been telling them everyone's real names.  Well, they heard my stepmom saying "Richard," several times when talking to my dad.  My dad has never gone by anything other than Richard - no shortening, no pet names, just Richard.  So I have no idea where my funny kiddo came up with, "PapaRick!"  I wish I had video footage to show you.  He says it very loudly and all together, as if one word, and it elicits, as I'm sure you can imagine, hysterical laughter.  Which perpetuates my dad's new nickname and everywhere we go it's, "PapaRick!"  He's now added, "Homa" when he talks about Papa Rick because my dad and his wife offered to take him back to Oklahoma with them and he was READY to go.  Just this morning, getting ready for school, I hear "PapaRick!  Homa!"  Funny.

They really struggle with my brother's name though - Caleb.  We've tried everything but could only get one to come out with anything that resembled Caleb.  He shortened to to "Pub" and they were able to grab that in an instant - it was also mildly amusing because my brother has been known to enjoy a beer or two. 

Bray was the one to notice that last thing at night or first thing in the morning the kids have taken to practicing the new words they've acquired.  As I've written about recently, the baby is currently obsessed with "apple pie," and says it all the time, particularly when cooking in their new play kitchen.  While at the farm last weekend, and with my dad this weekend, you could hear them all (through the walls or through the monitor), working on their linguistics.  Most notably, the baby is keen on these recitations, and you'll hear, "apple pie, five, gaby-papa, apple pie, coffee, gamma-ganpa, apple pie...."  (If you didn't figure it out, Bray's parents, called Grandma and Grandpa by the other kids, are currently Gamma-Ganpa to my kids - one never without the other.) 

I love watching these new found verbal abilities displayed, but the most surprising thing is how silent (relatively) the little lady is.  It's my boys that have mastered their tongue, despite what common lore would have you believe, which might just mean we have a pastor/lawyer/politician in the making (I can feel Bray shudder).   Here's a few of the highlights from our weekend:

Not a Stitch

I've been talking about marriage a lot lately.  The last few posts have been pretty serious.  All about issues that plague a marriage and ways we might improve.  But this post is a lot lighter and simultaneously more taboo.  I think a lot of marriages would improve if the two parties involved more frequently had not one stitch on.  Married people should be naked around each other more. 

Lest you think I popped one too many Zyrtec this morning, I am not alone in this theory of marital improvement.  God personally endorsed it.  Genesis 2 says, " Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."  God didn't knit them together a wardrobe.  He made them and left them there in the buff, quite happily I might add. 

The thing is, stuff happened, and that condition became less than ideal.  It's the same in a marriage.  Heck, at the beginning, all anyone is interested in is being naked.  But life happens.  Work, finances, kids, etc., and exhaustion sets in.  As do very unappealing pajamas.  As do body changes.  And suddenly, folks aren't that interested in getting, or staying, naked. 

I have to say, I'm really fortunate.  I still think my husband is HOT.  I still think he's the best kisser on the planet, and I am often super excited to curl up next to him at night.  But life happened to us too.  My body is not the pre-kid 32 year old one it was on our honeymoon.  We have conflict.  We are exhausted.  But a dear friend gave me some sage advice recently.  In the midst of struggle in our marriage, my friend said, "Attack him!  Go to bed, do it now, and connect.  You need to connect!" 

Getting naked won't save your marriage.  It takes a lot of work to do that.  But sometimes getting naked, and whatever else ensues, will HELP your marriage.  It does diffuse a tense situation, it does take your mind of a dispute, it does help you to reconnect, and it even helps you be less exhausted and sleep better (medically proven!).  So when in doubt, take your clothes off (just make sure there's no one else around!).

Potty Training Times 3!

Oh lord.  I need some nerves of steel.  There are three two year olds in big boy/big girl underwear in our house this week.  That's about all they're in so as to accomplish quick access to the potties stationed about our house (and reading material located adjacent to said potties). 

It's going fairly well.  We didn't start cold turkey.  They'd had access to potties for months and had been using them frequently over the past few weeks (especially the baby boy despite lore suggesting the eldest or female would be more prone to potties).  But upon return from the farm, Tuesday morning we launched into full blown underwear wearing.  I really have NO room to complain.  Our amazing nanny is doing the Herculean effort here.  However, during the time I'm home, we are ALWAYS on the potties, and the eldest takes forever because he genuinely adores potty time.  He sings, he reads, he chats with us.  Last night, at 2:30 a.m., when I heard him crying out from the crib, "mommy, poopy," he came and sat and went to the bathroom and instructed me, "mommy, sit."  We were supposed to have a chat in the middle of the night in his mind.  I told him I was going to lie back down until he was done, but two minutes into my return to bed I had visions of him escaping out the back and my half naked child wandering the streets, so back I went to the laundry room (main potty station) and curled up into the fetal position until I could convince him he was done, about 3 a.m. 

They pretty much aren't having accidents with Maria, but as soon as I get home somehow they end up with wet underwear.  Despite my incessant asking: "Potty? Potty?"  We're still in diapers at night, so arguably they don't have to get up to go in the middle of the night, but as you can see, they're still getting up.  They all three got up at 9 pm last night to go potty simultaneously. 

Here's the two areas where I'm desperately seeking advice, so please feel free to weigh in:  1) How do we expedite the eldest's process?  He's not going to have an hour to go potty when he returns to school Monday morning.  2) How do we manage nights?  I'm assuming we convert their cribs to toddler beds, but then do I leave a potty in the room with a gate shut or give them access to the house?  Both options equally lead me to shudder. 

I'll post an amusing update, if I survive, along with the best advice I get as to how to manage this mayhem!

Wordless Wednesdays

Attraction versus Reality

I realize I probably should have posted about New Year's - resolutions or some such thing.  But I don't really have anything out of the ordinary to share.  I mentioned I was going to write a handful of posts about marriage.  Things I've been pondering as of late.  So I just decided to keep going with that, particularly after I received an email this morning from a woman in my bible study with young children who is separating from her husband.  One of the things that struck me, though I feel confident a zillion books have been written about it, is the stark difference between the characteristics that attracted you to a person and the characteristics after the honeymoon period wears off.   How that one winning wooing trait becomes an albatross if you start focusing on the downside rather than the upside. 

Often interviewers will ask applicants in an interview, what are your strengths and what are your weaknesses?  In my personal opinion that is a terrible interview question, but I would always respond by saying that my strength is also my weakness.  If you focus on the big picture and achieving the ultimate result, then you may let details slip.  If you're a person that's a great team player, then you may not be able to fire someone on that same team if they don't work out.  The infamous double-edged sword. 

Well that's never truer than in marriage.  Here's a list of how the upside of traits become the downside of traits after years of marriage (these are just the ones I could think of in five minutes) - these have been winning spouses and losing spouses the world over for centuries:
1. Outgoing and social becomes flirtatious or absent.
2.  Quiet and mysterious becomes detached and unfriendly. 
3.  Doting and attentive becomes suffocating or possessive.
4.  Honest and straightforward becomes unkind and unable to compliment.
5.  A generous giver turns into an unwise spender. 
6.  A frugal saver becomes a miser lacking in generosity.
7.  Planning and organizing becomes stressed out and not spontaneous. 
8.  Spontaneous and fun becomes tardy and irresponsible. 
9.  Committed to beliefs and decisive becomes opinionated and lacking open mindedness.
10.  Open minded and willing to be flexible turns into indecisive and weak. 
11.  Dedicated to a job and ambitious turns into an absent workaholic.
12.  Willingness to place family or social circumstances above work turns into a lack of drive or ambition.

Nothing changed.  Yet good becomes bad.  Love turns into disdain.  What is it about the longevity of relationships that makes your Utopian rose-colored view of the object-of-your-affection turn critical?  There's no good reason except that no one is perfect, evidenced even more the longer you are with someone, and that people always seem more perfect from a distance.  That working wife relieves some of the financial stressors on a household, yet that stay-at-home wife next door always has dinner on the table.  The plan of the savvy husband set the family on the right track, but the spontaneous husband across the street just surprised the family with New Year's in Paris. 

Can't you see how each one of those things on the outside can look so wonderful, but on the inside it could wreak havoc if the spouses aren't on the same page?  What do you really both want out of life?  Spontaneity or surety?  Organization or carefree-ness?  Kindness or honesty?  Presence or commitment?  NONE of these are mutually exclusive, but one often takes precedence because of the life goals a family has set for itself.  If the family decides the most important thing is to fully pay for kids' college tuition and retire at 55, then the stay-at-home-mom or trip to Paris may be a serious roadblock.  But no one is talking.  No one remembered to check in a few times a year, or at the beginning of every new year, to make sure that their goals were set as a couple, as a family, rather than as an individual.  No one remembered to say, hey, just so you know, I feel most cared for when you notice something nice I did, or said, I'm so glad we're married, but I just wanted you to know I've felt alone lately and I'd love a little more time together.  Instead, everyone is super-busy.  Busy with work, busy with family, busy with the house, busy with friends, but too busy to check in. 

So if you find yourself with those glass-is-half-empty perspectives on the person you vowed to love for better or worse, do two things this week.  One, remember the flip side of the trait that's driving you nuts.  Remember what's so great about it.  Remember that if he or she was doing the opposite, there would be a downside to that trait too.  Two, sit down and talk.  I know I mentioned this "true up" process in the last post, but this is different.  This is to check in to make sure that your future plans and visions are aligned (and if they're not, to realign them), and to ensure that you realize what the other person needs from you in order to feel loved.  I once heard someone say, what the other person is saying when they are fighting about a small issue is that they don't feel loved - if you can fix that the person feels loved, the petty fights get better too.  

I know a lot of marriages are pretty far down the rocky path.  And it's going to take a lot of work to get back.  And some marriages have just hit a little bump.  But regardless of where you are in your martial journey, refresh your perspective of your spouse at the beginning of this year and remember the unique benefits you have because you are married to a very special person.