Fall Back Into Faith Fridays - Part 5 Family

Welcome back friends.  I love to write about today's topic, but I tend to avoid it because inevitably if I talk about marriage my intensely private husband is implicated! 

Well, I can talk today about marriage in the context of this study without implicating my own marriage one bit, I'm sure much to his relief.  As most of you know, we're studying faith, family, fortune and fun this fall in our study.  Last week was the first week of the family quadrant and hopefully it encouraged you with the promises God has for your family, whatever it looks like.  Today's and next week's study on family may not directly affect all of you, but since these relationships are the primary ones in many of our families, I wanted to tackle the two topics of marriage and kids. 

I shared a little bit of my personal marital challenges yesterday, but today focuses on how faith functions in the midst of your marriage. 

Your marriage may be on one of three different places - you and your husband both hold the same strong personal faith, you and your husband basically hold the same beliefs but he (or you) does not rely on his faith in a strong and daily way, or you and your husband have completely different faiths or he has no faith beliefs at all.  Because the faith in our marriages can be at completely different places, it is hard to write a one size fits all growth guide for faith in the middle of your marriage. 

The most critical piece of information to remember is that you are not responsible for your husband's faith.  You are responsible for your faith.  And you are responsible to make sure your faith shines brightly in your marriage.  Sadly, I think we often are the poorest witness inside our marriage.  If you both have a strong faith in God, you can hold each other accountable and pray for one another and strengthen one another as you grow in the knowledge of the Lord.  But if you are at very different places in your faith walk, or if you hold different beliefs, you can only work on allowing God to grow you closer to Him and then allowing that relationship between you and God to serve as a testimony to your husband who can't join you on your walk at this point in your marriage.  Do not allow the differences in your places of faith to drive a wedge in your marriage.  Instead, do you best to grow more fully in your relationship with God and just pray for your husband. 

I love this prayer for husbands from Renee Swope's A Confident Heart and also from Lysa Terkeurst's Capture His Heart.  This prayer is beautiful because it works regardless of whether your husband is a strong and solid believer or has no interest in God at all.  News flash:  God is interested in him, and always will be, and He is interested in your marriage succeeding.  Here is some of that prayer and I have provided a link to Renee's full free downloadable version as well.   

Head - Father, I ask that You would continually renew my husband’s mind, resulting in a transformed life. Help him bring every thought to Christ and make it obedient to You....(Psalm 119:15, Rom 12:2, 2 Cor.10:5)
Eyes - Lord, keep open my husband’s eyes to spiritual truths that You have for him. Help him to see things as You see them. Please guard his eyes from things that make his heart wander away from you and me. (Psalm 119:18, Psalm 119:37)

Ears - Father, help my husband to hear Your voice clearly. Give him wisdom to recognize your voice with certainty. Protect him from listening to those who aren’t seeking or walking with You....(Is 30:21, 1 Kings 3:9, 1 John 4:1)

Mouth - Jesus, help my husband to speak the truth in love...Let the words he speaks be Yours, not his own...(Psalm 19:14, 119:13, 41:3; Eph 4:15, 4:29; James 1:19)

Heart - Lord, instill in my husband’s heart a desire to seek passionately after You. Teach him to guard his heart with diligence and wisdom. Help him deal with anything in his heart that is not pleasing to You...(Psalm 78:72, 119:10-11; Prov 4:23; 1 Thes 3:13)

Hands - Lord, I pray everything my husband does would be done with his whole heart, serving You rather than man. Seeking to please You alone. I pray You will increase his skills and abilities so that he might bring honor and glory to You...(Psalm 24:3-4, Col 3:23)

Feet - Jesus, I pray my husband would love Your Words and walk in Your ways. Help him walk in a manner that is worthy of You, bearing fruit in every good work. I pray You’d show him how to creatively share your truth with our kids as he does life with them. Father, when he walks through the valley of the shadow of doubt and difficulties, I pray he would fear no evil because He knows that you are with him. (Deut 6:7, 8:6, Col 1:10, Psalm 23:4)

 

For Further Reading:



Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5, Hebrews 13:4-6, Song of Songs 4,

Marriage is a Team Sport

Tomorrow's Fall Back Into Faith will highlight faith and marriage, and as I prepared, my mind's hamster wheel started spinning.  Well, preparing tomorrow's post AND watching Date Night triggered the spinning. 

Have you seen this movie?  It's hysterical.  Tina Fey and Steve Carrell go out for a "fancy" date night in Manhattan and end up getting chased around by criminals.  In between all the hilarity, there are some golden nuggets about marriage. 

My favorite scene unfolds in the middle of the movie.  The husband drives as they "discuss" an encounter they just had.  I tried earnestly, to no avail, to find the clip of this scene because me typing the dialogue will not do it justice (rent this movie if you're married with kids!).   The husband asks why she "lit up like a sparkly sparkle" for a super hot guy played by Mark Wahlberg.  In response, she says, "Oh yeah right, I keep forgetting to light up for you!  Why is that?"  Then she launches into a rant about the endless list of things she has to do when she gets home from work that include much of what each of us working wives and moms face - making meals, picking up kids, running kids to soccer, doing laundry, washing dishes, getting kids bathed and ready for bed. 

The husband has a total movie perfect response:  I know you work hard honey.  But you know what would make all the hard work easier?  ME!  If you would just trust me enough to handle things once in a while, but no, you don't, you have to do it all yourself, YOUR way!  You've got me screwing up before I even have a chance to come through for you.  If you would just let me do something for you, I think I would surprise you, I really think I would.  I KNOW I WOULD. 

I hit pause.  Rewound.  Listened to that again.  A screaming indictment.

You can just feel the frustration poring out of each of their bodies as she drowns in the busyness and drudgery of suburbia and he battles a growing sense of stress and disconnectedness and ineptitude. 

I will admit, I do things a certain way.  I have been this way my whole life.  Then I become entirely overwhelmed by all the things on my task list.  This morning I had two hours to get the kids to the doctor for their flu shot, drop them at school, return three things at different stores, fill the car with gas, pick up dry cleaning, and get back to their school for a parent storytime.  Since making an appearance at the school storytime for parents (that clearly do not work) meant getting to the office at noon, I have to work late tonight to play catch up.  That means I won't have time tonight to tick a few more things of my laundry list.

I don't know about you, but I stay in an almost constant state of near-depletion. 

But I have a partner.  He wants to help.  Plus, he's pretty good at it.  He does things differently than I do, no doubt, but the kids adore their father and I do too. 

I heard a mom correct another mom the other day when she said her husband was babysitting the kids - she said, "He's not babysitting.  They are HIS kids too." 

I wrote a post a while back based on wise words from my husband - he said, I don't mind you telling me to go to San Antonio, I just don't want you telling me how to get there. 

So today is just a gentle reminder for those of you who struggle with the same things that I do in my married with kids life.  Trust your husband to handle things once in a while.  And then let him do it.  His way.  Marriage, especially one with kids, IS a team sport. 

An Ode On My Beloved's Birthday

I love July 27th.  It was the day God sent my fantastic husband into the world.  Bray's not a huge birthday person, but I love birthdays so I always make a fuss.  When I asked him last night what he was hoping for on his birthday, he said, "a nap."  I responded, "C'mon!  Ask for something more exotic."  To which he replied, "A nap with a pineapple."  Y'all, I laughed so hard I snorted.  Talk about sexy.  This man is so freakin' funny he can pull a snort out of me.  So in honor of my funny, handsome, super terrific husband (who's also a rockin' dad), I give you, fully realizing my poetic limitations, An Ode On My Beloved's Birthday. 
(In case you just don't "get" all of it, know that this man loves God, his family, fishing and hunting, and being on a tractor at the farm.)

Yea! Today is your birthday,

Hop the tractor, bale some hay.

Let's grab the kids and have a party,

Head to the farm and not to be tardy. 

You say you are dreadfully blunt,

And we all know you like to hunt,

But I find you super charming,

Even when you have to do some farming. 

I hear love songs and I think of you,

Though we've been together 9 years it still feels new.

So whether we are naked or we're clothed,

I'm glad we're no longer just betrothed.

The kids think you are super neat,

A dad like you is hard to beat.

You take them fishing and feeding cows,

They get to ride horses and even use plows!

You are the reason I've got so much love in my heart,

And I pray that we never shall part. 

So on this special day,

Let me just shout hip, hip, hooray.

For he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.

A date from our first year together

Our birthday date last night

Tingles Down My Spine

Y'all, I have had a really great Monday morning.  This follows quickly on the heels of a really great weekend.  I wrote about the fun of Saturday and Sunday Bray was home.  Not only did we all get to hang out, but he also told me I could get away for a few hours with my very best friend in the whole wide world.  I adore spending time with her, but we can never find enough time to hang out with our crazy work schedules and the trio being two. 

As we were sitting over a yummy brunch yesterday morning, we were swapping stories and I told her about our morning swim.  All five of us were in the pool as soon as breakfast wrapped yesterday.  We had a blast goofing off, and there was even family cannonballing into the deep end with all five of us jumping simultaneously.  I swam over to Bray to give him a kiss, and I ended up getting about five kisses.  I have to tell you, I got tingles down my spine.  It totally surprised me that even kisses in front of kids can still make my heart race.  Last night, when I got kissed some more, I felt like Scarlett O'Hara getting kissed by Rhett Butler.  Rachel getting kissed by Ross.  Watts getting kissed by Keith.  Allie getting by kissed Noah.  My husband is still the best kisser on the planet. 

There are two careers, two different families, three two year olds, and all other sorts of things that sometimes cause marital conflict.  And just as my friend and I discussed, marriage is work.  There are fabulous days and brutal days.  But when you can still kiss the man that you first kissed almost nine years ago and get the same shivery tingle working from your neck down your back all the way to your bottom, well that means you can get through anything. 

I realize that sounds naive and overly simplistic and maybe it is.  But I do believe that in the hard times that spark keeps you connected.  I don't know where you are today in your marriage, on the mountaintop or in a dark valley, but is there anyway you can set everything aside tonight and kiss your husband?  REALLY kiss him.  Kiss him like you did the first month you were dating.  Odds are you will get a kiss in return that will send tingles all the way to your toes and make your knees weak. 

Six Years

On May 6, 2006, Bray and I took a huge leap off a huge cliff and said, "I do."  We were in our 30s and had dated other people but, after two and a half years, decided the other one was, "The One."  I am, overused as it is, more in love with him and more sure of my decision today than I was on that Saturday morning six years ago. 

Here's my recap of each year thus far (I've written in detail about our journey to a family previously, you can see those stories on the link that says "Our Story"): 

The First Year - The year of adventure.  That first year was so much fun.  There really weren't problems, we'd worked a lot of those out before we got married, so this year was a blast.  We traveled a lot because a position I had and I still smile thinking about those months.  We managed to hit Boston, Bar Harbour (Maine), Oahu and Kauai, Baltimore and D.C., Sedona and the Grand Canyon, Miami, and Montreal.  Wow!

The Second Year - The dark year.  We were really good together but that was when we were in middle of fertility treatments in earnest.  We'd just gotten the bad test results and had gone through three IUIs and one IVF with no success.  I'd gained weight and became pretty strung out from the drugs.  The one constant and reassurance in my life was loving Bray. 

The Third Year - The surprise year.  What a nutty year this was.  Bray and I were really doing well  in our marriage, and we'd realized even more how strong our love was when the doctor found and surgically removed a tumor in my uterus.  An IVF before that surgery, then an IVF after that surgery, and finally an ultrasound on March 31st before our May 6th anniversary that revealed we'd be adding three people to our family in the fall. 

The Fourth Year - The year of I don't know, it's a blur.  Pregnant, huge, bed rest, hospital, three babies, joy, worry, NICU, home eventually on monitors, sleeplessness, bottles, diapers, joy, worry, laundry, home A LOT, off monitors, doctors, healthy, sleeplessness, fuzzy. 

The Fifth Year - The year of growing pains.  This might have been our hardest year of marriage.  We'd been blissfully in love before babies, and then blissfully thrilled to expand our family during the pregnancy, and then blissfully in love with the new babies but completely sleep deprived and everything else deprived.  I think the chaos and change set in this year.  We did a lot of work on us, after we didn't do a lot of work, and I remember celebrating our 5th anniversary in New Orleans feeling like we were back to "us" and still very much in love. 

The Sixth Year - The year of learning.  We can really finally get out and "do" again now that the triplets are two.  Just this weekend Bray was able to take the boys to the farm single handed & I could gallivant all over town with just the little lady.  Having added back in some freedom has resusciated "us" a little too.  I think when you as an individual starting losing yourself, you don't have anything to give to your partner.  Bray can go hunting now and I can go on a girl's trip, and then we're together as a family and stronger as a unit because we're stronger as individuals.  I'm looking forward to this next year and the ones that follow it. 

Top 10 List for the Getaway

So, as you may have read, I got away this weekend with my husband.  And while it got off to a bit of a rocky start because I pooped out before we really got going Friday night, it turned out to be a perfect weekend after a good night's sleep.  San Antonio hosted gorgeous weather and the hotel was lovely and our dinner with clients on Saturday night was fun even if, as Bray would say, it was with a bunch of lawyers.   Here is my top 10 list of favorite things about getting away with my man:

10. Sleeping in Saturday and Sunday morning.
9.  Having a conversation with my husband.
8.  Having the conversation be: (a) extended, and (b) uninterrupted.
7.  Getting to take a nap on Saturday (sleeping was a recurring theme). 
6.  Not worrying if an eating establishment was kid friendly (and, in fact, AVOIDING kid friendly). 
5.  I'm going to get in trouble for this one, but not having to worry about wearing p.j.s to bed.
4.  Holding hands when walking around town.
3.  Having no schedule.
2.  Room service breakfast.
1.  A weekend alone with my favorite person in the whole world. 

As much as we loved being away, it was great being back too.  Nothing could have been better than the raucous homecoming we received from three very excited, and previously quite forlorn, two year olds that had kisses and hugs and dances for both me and Bray.  This was even amplified when we pulled out little presents.  A million thanks to my mom, nanny, best friend, and babysitter who allowed this precious weekend to happen.  Until next year.............

Madly........

I am madly in love with my husband.  In a couple weeks we will have been married six years, and together for eight and a half.  I love that God is perfectly okay with me being in lust with my hubby, too.  If that were a sin, I'd be hosed.  Luckily, since we're married, I get the green light.  There are days when I daydream about him like I did when we were first dating. 

Today is one of those days.  Because, in mere hours, we will be staying in San Antonio on the Riverwalk in a gorgeous hotel.  Walking around, holding hands, eating and drinking, and most importantly sleeping in late.  We have had one weekend away together since the kids were born.  This is number two.  It takes a lot of planning, but off we go.  And I am just as excited about sneaking away with my handsome hubby now as I was when we first wed (maybe more so now because it's so rare!).  He's even indulged me a little by letting us stay in a fabulous hotel:

I have a weakness for fancy hotels (and he even let me book a couple's massage!).  I am literally counting down the minutes until I have 40 uninterrupted hours with this amazing man.  If you are feeling a little weary after 2 or 20 years in your marriage, or even if you're in the midst of a fabulous season in your marriage, then try to find a little time away.  It may not be a weekend, normally it is not for us, but we do go out once a month.  It allows us to catch up, because conversation is hard to have sometimes with toddlers around, make out, and reconnect.  I love our date nights.  But I am CRAZY about our weekends.  I hope your weekend is as good as mine, but I doubt it will be!

How to Get to San Antonio

My husband, in addition to being easy on the eyes, is also wise.  Last winter, we were having a number of little fights about fairly inconsequential stuff.  The kids were about 14 months old and we were struggling with how to make sure I was communicating relevant stuff he needed to know (or do) without bossing him around and micromanaging him.  Something that neither of us wanted.  As we were discussing the issues surrounding that particularly thorny issue, he made a very wise analogy which sticks with me today.  He said, "I don't mind you telling me to go San Antonio.  I just don't want you telling me how to get there." 

Communicating the WHAT was not the issue.  Communicating the HOW was the issue.  So from then on I was perfect and never ever told him how do anything ever again. 

If you just fell out of your chair laughing hysterically, then that was a perfectly appropriate response.  I still fail miserably today.  Now, part of the success story is that I can at least RECOGNIZE when I am telling him how to do something that a perfectly responsible 40 year old man could figure out for himself.  But sadly, I've not stopped doing it.  Entirely.  Yet. 

This struck me because a couple of days ago Bray had to go spend the day downtown for work.  This is my normal commute, and I proceeded to tell him how to get to where he was going even though he already had a route mapped out.  And when he didn't jump around and say "thank you wife for that wonderful instruction on how to drive my truck this morning," I proceeded to criticize his route for lack of efficiency. 

Let's just take a minute to reread that.  What the heck was I thinking???  I have a husband who was born and raised in Houston, often travels for his job, is a better driver than I am, and I'm picking a fight over the way he's going to drive into town.  Was I high?  Had I popped one too many Zyrtec?  Had my sleep deprivation led me to misunderstand what he was saying? 

This the best part though.  And proof that God is ALWAYS teaching us a lesson, even in the small stuff.  Bray had proposed taking Westpark to 59 and I'd proposed driving in on I-10 (this only means something if you live in Houston).  He left the house and I followed shortly after him to drive into work myself.  There was a massive accident on I-10 that was causing folks from the west side to spend nearly two hours to get into downtown.  So, are you ready for this, I had to take Westpark to 59 (HIS route) to get into work because of the horrific traffic on my route.  I'm not suggesting God had His hand in an accident on the freeway, but I'm just suggesting He allowed me to learn a lesson from the circumstances of the morning.  Ouch. 

I like to be in control of any given situation.  I'm ridiculously scheduled and planned.  But unless I remember to let my husband be the man in the relationship, then I'm going to be in a whole heap of trouble.  I'm comforted by a poster I used to have in the '80s: Be Patient, God's Not Finished With Me Yet.  Thank heavens. 

If you're married and trying to control the dickens out of the HOW of the way your husband gets to San Antonio, then I encourage you to take a step back with me and let him make his own decisions.  I assure you, I'm writing this post as my own accountability tool because admitting you have a problem is half the battle.

Won't Give Up

I was driving home last night and heard this song called Won't Give Up by a guy named Jason Mraz.  I'd never heard it before, but I loved the words.  It reminds me a lot of this year.  Bray and I have had some ups and downs, but these past few weeks, with the kids turning into diabolical little two year olds, I have felt so encouraged and strengthened to know that our marriage is good and strong.  And even when we hit bumps, they are followed by good times.  I could not have gotten through this rough patch with the kids without him.  Knowing I am part of a team, wow, it just makes all the difference tackling the tough stuff. 

We were all five sitting down at dinner the other day and the baby said, "Family."  Family.  We asked, "who is your family?"  And he said, "mommy, daddy..." and then listed himself and his brother and sister.  I love that not only is Bray the love of my life, but he's also my family. 

If you're going through a storm in your marriage, remember that sunshine and a healthier land follows it, and don't give up.  Here's a part of Won't Give Up: 

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find...

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't end
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

Bray, Thank You (and Team)

This week I wrote about the simple prayers the kids are learning to say, and how last weekend that prayer of gratitude so mirrored my spirit as I enjoyed our family time together.  Well, this morning, I'm feeling awfully grateful for Bray.  We had a rough night last night.  The baby threw up, a lot, repeatedly, and then did not want to go back to sleep even though it was after 9 (who could blame him?).  But it was all over the crib and me and him - a mess.  So I got a load of laundry started while Bray sat with him and then I laid down with him while Bray put on new sheets.  Then we had another round of him getting sick at midnight which kept us up.  And then the eldest wailed inconsolably after 2 am until I would lay down with him.  In the middle of all of this exhausting toddler drama, Bray was up and working.  He was up during the sickness and then he tried to calm the eldest down and let me sleep (and had it not been for that maniac's persistence that he would NOT stop crying until he saw mommy, it would have worked).  He was PRESENT.  

You get that, right?  We've all been in relationships, whether family, friend, or romantic, where the other person is just phoning it in.  They've already checked out.  I've been there.  I've been on both sides of that equation.

But last night, and all the nights before that, Bray is there.  Present.  Checked in.  We have ups and downs, highs and lows, happy and sad, carefree and stressed, easy and hard, but regardless of which end of the spectrum we're on Bray is clearing dishes, or waking up in the middle of the night with an upset kiddo, or changing light bulbs, or getting bills paid.  They all seem like little things, but they are really big when you add them up.  I heard this spoof done by a Christian comedian about the common complaints women have about their husbands - leaving their socks around or not putting the toilet seat down or letting the trash pile up, etc., and I turned to my friend and said, "Bray doesn't do any of that stuff.........."  Neither one of us is perfect, but we're engaged.  In our lives, in our marriage, in our responsibilities, in our kids. 

I have felt, over these past few days, how many engaged people I have on my side.  How much easier my life is because of them.  I have a mom that will drop everything to come babysit so Bray and I can have a date.  I have an assistant at work that is like a great girlfriend who just happens to make everything in your life run well.  I have a set of friends that meet a panoply of emotional and spiritual needs - Amy, my prayer warrior, and Natalie, my mom buddy, and Mary, my best friend who does it all, and Kelli, my head out and have fun friend, and so many more.  I have a nanny that allows Bray and I to work with out worrying that our kids are loved and well cared after.  I have family here and beyond that love us and pray for us and support us.  And I have Bray, and three kiddos, that love me unconditionally.

I have a lot of thank yous to issue to folks, and I encourage you to tell those in your life, on your team, how you couldn't do it without them.  I know I couldn't. 

Revisiting Broken

Shortly before I got married, a song called Broken Road came out.  I immediately fell in love with it.  If you're not familiar with the song by Rascal Flatts, it says:

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I remember how true that rang the day I married Bray.  I knew abandonment, betrayal, and brokenness along the way, but had I not had those encounters, those relationships, those losses, I don't know that I would have found Bray.  God used the heartache to show me what was important in a relationship - what was true and worthwhile. 

I wrote recently that December was a tough month for us.  Well, it must have been a tough month for a number of folks because I've started receiving news about separations and divorces.  Some were pretty surprising.  You wouldn't have known it was coming by looking.  And some splits occurred because the spouse leaving the marriage was revisiting the broken road.  Imagining something from the past was better than it ever was. 

Marriage is hard, and the world around us encourages us to revisit broken.  It's easy to forget how broken the road was that led you to your husband or wife.  You start losing sight in your rear view mirror of the broken heart left in the wake of former relationships.  I've seen how those past relationships get retold in people's memories.  They get all dolled up with the nasty stuff taken out.  They become misty water colored memories of the way we were.   

If you're revisiting broken today, stop.  It's broken.  That's why it ended.  And God healed you from that brokenness to bring you to your spouse (or if He hasn't, He can if you'll let Him).  It's so easy to glamorize days gone by.  But they have gone by.  Too many long lingering looks back will destroy your future.  It's never too late to face forward, put the broken road behind you, and recommit yourself to the road ahead with the one you vowed to journey through life with - for better or worse.

Walk With Him Wednesdays - A Holy Experience

Not a Stitch

I've been talking about marriage a lot lately.  The last few posts have been pretty serious.  All about issues that plague a marriage and ways we might improve.  But this post is a lot lighter and simultaneously more taboo.  I think a lot of marriages would improve if the two parties involved more frequently had not one stitch on.  Married people should be naked around each other more. 

Lest you think I popped one too many Zyrtec this morning, I am not alone in this theory of marital improvement.  God personally endorsed it.  Genesis 2 says, " Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."  God didn't knit them together a wardrobe.  He made them and left them there in the buff, quite happily I might add. 

The thing is, stuff happened, and that condition became less than ideal.  It's the same in a marriage.  Heck, at the beginning, all anyone is interested in is being naked.  But life happens.  Work, finances, kids, etc., and exhaustion sets in.  As do very unappealing pajamas.  As do body changes.  And suddenly, folks aren't that interested in getting, or staying, naked. 

I have to say, I'm really fortunate.  I still think my husband is HOT.  I still think he's the best kisser on the planet, and I am often super excited to curl up next to him at night.  But life happened to us too.  My body is not the pre-kid 32 year old one it was on our honeymoon.  We have conflict.  We are exhausted.  But a dear friend gave me some sage advice recently.  In the midst of struggle in our marriage, my friend said, "Attack him!  Go to bed, do it now, and connect.  You need to connect!" 

Getting naked won't save your marriage.  It takes a lot of work to do that.  But sometimes getting naked, and whatever else ensues, will HELP your marriage.  It does diffuse a tense situation, it does take your mind of a dispute, it does help you to reconnect, and it even helps you be less exhausted and sleep better (medically proven!).  So when in doubt, take your clothes off (just make sure there's no one else around!).

Attraction versus Reality

I realize I probably should have posted about New Year's - resolutions or some such thing.  But I don't really have anything out of the ordinary to share.  I mentioned I was going to write a handful of posts about marriage.  Things I've been pondering as of late.  So I just decided to keep going with that, particularly after I received an email this morning from a woman in my bible study with young children who is separating from her husband.  One of the things that struck me, though I feel confident a zillion books have been written about it, is the stark difference between the characteristics that attracted you to a person and the characteristics after the honeymoon period wears off.   How that one winning wooing trait becomes an albatross if you start focusing on the downside rather than the upside. 

Often interviewers will ask applicants in an interview, what are your strengths and what are your weaknesses?  In my personal opinion that is a terrible interview question, but I would always respond by saying that my strength is also my weakness.  If you focus on the big picture and achieving the ultimate result, then you may let details slip.  If you're a person that's a great team player, then you may not be able to fire someone on that same team if they don't work out.  The infamous double-edged sword. 

Well that's never truer than in marriage.  Here's a list of how the upside of traits become the downside of traits after years of marriage (these are just the ones I could think of in five minutes) - these have been winning spouses and losing spouses the world over for centuries:
1. Outgoing and social becomes flirtatious or absent.
2.  Quiet and mysterious becomes detached and unfriendly. 
3.  Doting and attentive becomes suffocating or possessive.
4.  Honest and straightforward becomes unkind and unable to compliment.
5.  A generous giver turns into an unwise spender. 
6.  A frugal saver becomes a miser lacking in generosity.
7.  Planning and organizing becomes stressed out and not spontaneous. 
8.  Spontaneous and fun becomes tardy and irresponsible. 
9.  Committed to beliefs and decisive becomes opinionated and lacking open mindedness.
10.  Open minded and willing to be flexible turns into indecisive and weak. 
11.  Dedicated to a job and ambitious turns into an absent workaholic.
12.  Willingness to place family or social circumstances above work turns into a lack of drive or ambition.

Nothing changed.  Yet good becomes bad.  Love turns into disdain.  What is it about the longevity of relationships that makes your Utopian rose-colored view of the object-of-your-affection turn critical?  There's no good reason except that no one is perfect, evidenced even more the longer you are with someone, and that people always seem more perfect from a distance.  That working wife relieves some of the financial stressors on a household, yet that stay-at-home wife next door always has dinner on the table.  The plan of the savvy husband set the family on the right track, but the spontaneous husband across the street just surprised the family with New Year's in Paris. 

Can't you see how each one of those things on the outside can look so wonderful, but on the inside it could wreak havoc if the spouses aren't on the same page?  What do you really both want out of life?  Spontaneity or surety?  Organization or carefree-ness?  Kindness or honesty?  Presence or commitment?  NONE of these are mutually exclusive, but one often takes precedence because of the life goals a family has set for itself.  If the family decides the most important thing is to fully pay for kids' college tuition and retire at 55, then the stay-at-home-mom or trip to Paris may be a serious roadblock.  But no one is talking.  No one remembered to check in a few times a year, or at the beginning of every new year, to make sure that their goals were set as a couple, as a family, rather than as an individual.  No one remembered to say, hey, just so you know, I feel most cared for when you notice something nice I did, or said, I'm so glad we're married, but I just wanted you to know I've felt alone lately and I'd love a little more time together.  Instead, everyone is super-busy.  Busy with work, busy with family, busy with the house, busy with friends, but too busy to check in. 

So if you find yourself with those glass-is-half-empty perspectives on the person you vowed to love for better or worse, do two things this week.  One, remember the flip side of the trait that's driving you nuts.  Remember what's so great about it.  Remember that if he or she was doing the opposite, there would be a downside to that trait too.  Two, sit down and talk.  I know I mentioned this "true up" process in the last post, but this is different.  This is to check in to make sure that your future plans and visions are aligned (and if they're not, to realign them), and to ensure that you realize what the other person needs from you in order to feel loved.  I once heard someone say, what the other person is saying when they are fighting about a small issue is that they don't feel loved - if you can fix that the person feels loved, the petty fights get better too.  

I know a lot of marriages are pretty far down the rocky path.  And it's going to take a lot of work to get back.  And some marriages have just hit a little bump.  But regardless of where you are in your martial journey, refresh your perspective of your spouse at the beginning of this year and remember the unique benefits you have because you are married to a very special person.

Marriage Posting 101

The funny thing about posting about marriage is that it's not entirely fair.  See, only one person in the marriage decided to write a blog that anyone can see, so when you look at the categories that I write about (on the right hand side of my blog), you'll see there are far far fewer entries in the marriage category than the ones like faith and family.  Unless you write very generically, or keep it totally about yourself, or just want to brag about your husband, you pretty much have to stay off of marriage issues. 

It's odd because, obviously, marriage is a huge part of my life.  I've been with Bray for 8 years now and we've been married for 5 1/2 of those.  We've had high times, low times, funny times, sad times, and all the in-between times that any married couple (save a Kardashian or two) has.  During my long period of pondering I wrote about this week, a lot of what I thought about was marriage and its highs and lows.  Generally and specifically.  Globally and personally.  So I am going to write a few posts about marriage with a few ground rules that I think are key if I'm ever going to write about marriage: (a) no secrets will be shared, (b) nothing disrespectful will be said, (c) some commentary will be from personal experience and some will be from what I've observed in other marriages but all of it will remain generic enough so no one has to share what they'd rather not. 

I actually think this is the reason real issues about marriages aren't discussed, particularly Christian ones.  Sure there are lots of books about marriage.  But many writers, men or women, have to gingerly step around the issue of saying I did this terrible thing and my spouse did this terrible thing for fear the ultimate outcome of the writing project will be to inflict more pain on a healing marriage.  I've certainly not figured out a way around that issue, but I hope someone does because there's much about Christian marriages that could be improved upon with some frank discussion. 

In my experience, since the children have arrived (this is our third Christmas with the kids), the holiday season often is one of the hardest on our relationship.  It's the combination of multiple factors: Bray has to work many hours in his line of work during the holidays; I am stressed about getting everything decorated, food cooked, kids photos done for cards, shopping completed; Bray hunts and this is the heart of the season; lots of parties and family get-togethers mean more rushed schedules and often sick kids; and then, of course, just all the build up and then the ultimate let down after it's all over.  It is emotionally and physically exhausting, but much more so with children. 

It's sad though when you think about the three celebrations that mark the holiday season:  Thanksgiving, when we stop to say thanks for all the blessings in our lives; Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour; and New Year's, when we celebrate the year behind and new beginnings that lay ahead.  If we kept all that in perspective, then maybe we could find a way to release some of the tension that inevitably builds up in the marriage over the course of six weeks. 

Regardless, the key is how to fix whatever broke when January rolls around.  I think one of the biggest struggles in marriages today is to allow the rush of modern life to sweep the small spills under the rug.  After months or years of sweeping martial spills under the rug, the rug gets too small to contain the mess and everything erupts.  What if, instead, at the end of each month (or each week depending on how ambitious you are), we sat down with our spouses and talked stuff out?  Get the kids in bed, turn the television off, push the bill paying aside, and look at each other in the eye and say thank you for doing this or this thing you did hurt me or I think we could improve on communicating with each other or whatever it is that month.  A month end "true up."  Literally.  Give one another the freedom to be honest (especially the guys because they're often concerned they'll be living with hacked off wives if they say what they're really feeling), but speak out of love and not out of anger or resentment.

Pretty lofty goal, huh?  But I think it could save marriages far and wide if we'd all give it a shot.

The Kitchen Pass

I was given a kitchen pass last night.  Or a hall pass.  Or general waiver.  Call it what you will, my husband gave me a pass that I didn't deserve but that I appreciated long after it was granted. 

I've been sad for a few days.  Not for any reason, just a little down.  Unfortunately, that makes me less than an ideal wife and mom.  And I'd really been short with the kids during dinner.  They are in a terrible fit-throwing phase that is kicking my butt, and I'd been surrounded by it all weekend.  So when the milk spilled and the fork was used as a comb, I just lost it.  Bray tried to diffuse the situation, but I was fried. 

After the kids had gone to bed, I went to our bedroom.  He came in later and asked what was wrong.  Have you ever been asked that question, and you know something is off, but you just can't put your finger on it?  Well, that was me last night.  All I could come up with in response was, "I'm sad."  And he said the simplest, most generous thing in response, "That's okay.  We all get that way sometimes."  He could have said a lot of other things in response.  Things like snap out of it, or that doesn't give you a right to flip out with the kids, or what are you sad about - everything is fine, or let me fix it.  But instead, he gave me a pass.  Full fledged acceptance of my condition which allowed me to be sad without having to explain it or justify it or apologize for it.  He didn't have to do it.  Lord knows he doesn't always get a pass from me.  It was the kindest thing he could have done. 

When people are struggling in their marriage they are told to remember the reasons why they fell in love in the beginning.  Sometimes it's nice to remember those reasons even when your marriage isn't struggling.  Today, I remembered one of the reasons.  During our first date, Bray asked me kind, thoughtful questions. When he found my parents divorced when I was 12, he had asked me how I had handled that given how hard it must have been for me at that age.  Honestly, I'd never had anyone care before. He was thoughtful in December 2003, and eight years later nothing has changed. 

Marriage can be hard, but it can also be the biggest blessing on the planet.  I needed somebody last night to give me a pass and my kind husband did just that. 

Morning Commute

There's not much off limits for my blog, but there is one thing I leave off the table:  direct conversations with my husband.  Primarily because he is a private person and didn't sign up for having his conversations published.  He'd probably stop speaking to me if I wrote about them.  Secondarily, particularly if we're having a "discussion" about something, I think it is disrespectful to air those conversations publicly, and the one thing I try to do at all times (though I'm not always successful) is treat him respectfully.  He deserves that. 

The only reason I'm making an exception to the conversation rule this morning is because the conversation is not a dispute nor is it about any private matter of his or ours.  It is, rather, pretty dang funny.  Tuesday mornings, Bray and I are carpooling so the nanny can have the car to take our kids to school.  Bray and I have quite different political opinions and we were listening to a political issue on the radio on the drive in.  The conversation quickly veered to us each "offering" our political perspective on the issue.  So as we near his office, after he'd given me a hard time about my political opinion and driving his truck (which I have, once, accidentally run into the parking garage), I said, "hey, you need to say something nice, my love language is words of affirmation."  (A while back we read this book called The Five Love Languages and we discovered, not surprisingly, that we have different love languages.)  So this is what I got in response, "you look nice this morning....{pregnant pause}, you look like you're going to a club."  What the what?  At 8 in the morning driving to work?  The shirt underneath my khaki blazer did have some sparkle on it, and I have to admit neither one of us have been out lately so the trend may be to the more conservative in the party hot spots, but I wouldn't have spotted that one coming from a mile away.  Note to self, don't force a compliment before he's finished his coffee.  Well, really, don't force a compliment.  Period. 

The Deposition Question

In my line of work, I occasionally have to take or defend a deposition.  In a deposition you get to ask the opposing party's witness questions before the case goes to trial to understand what the facts are that support their claims or their defenses.  Some depositions are short, some are long, some are easy, some are hard.  But one of the most interesting parts of a deposition is when you begin to ask the witness about the heart of his claim or defense.  There is always a question you don't WANT to ask.  You know it's going to be a terrible answer for your side because the witness has prepared and knows the best answer (oftentimes) to support his position.  You don't want to ask the question, but you have to because you need to be prepared for what will be said at trial.  You have to know exactly what the answer is going to be even if it's an answer you don't want to hear. 

Have you ever had this moment in life?  Have you ever had this moment in your marriage?  Well, I have.  Something is upsetting my husband and I THINK that it has to do with something I did.  I won't know for sure until I ask the question, but I don't WANT to ask the question because I'm pretty sure I won't like the answer.  So I avoid asking the question for a while.  In the meantime, we walk around avoiding the issue.  Whoever said silence was golden wasn't married - silence isn't always golden.  Sometimes silence is terrible.  Stifling.  So I make myself ask the question.  I might wait until we're in bed and the lights are off so I can put a little bit of a buffer over the answer if it's one I don't like.  I don't have to watch the answer come out of his mouth - I can just hear it and process it.  But sometimes the answer is not AT ALL the one I was avoiding.  The response might be as simple as my poor husband having a terrible day at work, and he had NO IDEA that I was walking around thinking I'd done something wrong (and then I'd lost an opportunity to support him all day because I was too scared to ask).  But, on occasion, the answer is what I was expecting.  And what I was avoiding.  But it is also the truth.  One that must be confronted and discussed and resolved if we want to move past it and make our home a happy place again.  Avoiding it was making it worse.

In a deposition, I always ask the question.  Even if I don't like the answer, it helps me prepare for trial.  It helps me understand more fully the strengths and weaknesses of my case and plan to present the best case possible for my client.  That exact same approach should be used in marriages.  We might not like the answer to the question we ask, but it helps us understand more fully the strengths and weaknesses in our marriage.  Then we can address them and plan the best path forward to improve our our relationship and heal any hurts - or, as we say in my house these days, kiss those boo-boos.

Marriage Ref

Have you seen this show?  I just saw it recently - hysterical.  Three couples come on with a dispute and a panel of three celebrities, some of whom are not married or are divorced, determine which spouse is right and at the end the audience decides on the most right spouse and that person gets a billboard in their city that says they were right.  I would totally go on this show. 

Let me say this, the disputes are never over anything big (the one I saw, one of the women was spending too much decorating her doll house), and the celebrity panel very frequently sides with the woman even in situations where there is no way the woman should win the argument.  This is why I would be a perfect contestant.  Odds are, I would win given the predisposition toward women, and Bray and I aren't fighting over anything big. 

But we have gotten frustrated lately.  Over little stuff.  I didn't like his schedule one week or he didn't like that I was too opinionated on how the kids ate something at dinner.  These petty disputes are just annoying, we're not dealing with adultery or addiction, so these aren't issues that could end a marriage - or could they? 

I can only speak for myself, and maybe speak a little bit for women in general, but I think we sometimes let little things go too far.  These aren't "bet the farm" disputes, so we (either spouse) decides it's not worth it to get into a wrangle over it - we'll just be a little short in conversation or we'll ignore it or we'll forget to kiss the other one goodbye that morning.  No big deal. 

But it adds up.  One. Thing. After. Another.  And it wears away at the fabric of a marriage.  Until the fabric frays and eventually tears.  Lysa TerKeurst, in a book called Capture His Heart, calls it the dangers of a leaky faucet.  I studied this book in a summer bible study and it revolutionized how I thought about my marriage and how I treated my marriage and Bray.  For a while.  But work got busy, I had triplets, and the drip drip drip began again without paying the attention I had previously to that leaky faucet.  When Bray and I went to hear Gary Chapman speak this summer (author of Five Love Languages) he said, "Marriages either get better or worse.  They never stay the same."  Boy, that statement hit me.  I'd allowed myself to believe that as long as I wasn't doing anything proactively to hurt the marriage, it was okay that I wasn't doing much proactively to help it.  But it's one or the other, your marriage today will be better or worse than it was yesterday.  And the next day.  And next month.  And next year.  You have to make the decision which way it will go. 

In Capture His Heart, Lysa starts the book by saying that even the best husband makes a poor god.  She talks about how she would leave her driveway crying wondering, why does it have to be so difficult, why is everything such an issue, what's wrong?  She became so consumed trying to figure out how how to make everything right and figure out how to get the love she needed that her husband became her god.  And this is what she ultimately resolved: "My spirit should not vacillate between joy and sorrow based on how Art and I are getting along.  Instead, my soul should always rest in the safety of Jesus' unconditional love and acceptance." 

If you have some drip, drip, drips in your marriage, then let me present to you the same challenge that I've given to myself:  (a) don't let our husbands become our god so that our emotional well being is entirely dependent on how the marriage is going that day (for good or bad), (b) make an effort every day to affirmatively improve upon our marriages, because it will get worse if it doesn't get better, and (c) take the time to fix leaky faucet issues before they systematically erode the beautiful relationship that God has given us until death do we part.

Scrapbook Story

As I mentioned earlier this week, I threw Bray a surprise 40th birthday Saturday night.  I have certain talents but one of them is not being crafty - I throw a great party but when it comes to crafts I leave that to my mom.  However, I went out on a limb and created my first ever scrapbook for Bray to highlight his past 40 years.  Included in the compilation were stories from family and friends about memories they had with Bray.  The only one I am at liberty to share is my own.  So here was my entry and ode to my wonderful husband:

I don’t know how to write just one memory of Bray. First, I’m a lawyer so I’m not always concise. Second, I’m a writer, so I could fill a book. Third, he’s the love of my life, so words really don’t do him justice. And since I’m compiling this little book, I may exercise a little leeway with myself (and use small font!).
My first memory of Bray is the night we met. I was at the Mucky Duck with friends and one of them tried to set me up with Charlie. Bray had come too and we ended up talking for hours, arguing might be more accurate, about drilling in ANWAR (showcasing our political differences early on) and the virtues or evils of lawyers (he called me the Texas Hammer all night). Regardless, at the end of the night (where I casually offered a business card no matter how he tells the story), I called my mom and said, “I’ve met this boy…..” Little did I know that he was no boy, but the amazing man that I would fall in love with despite everything that looked different about us on the outside. I first knew I was starting to fall in love with him on Valentine’s Day 2004 when over dinner he told me all the entertaining things he’d done while babysitting his nieces that day, and I remember thinking, “uh-oh, I’m in trouble.”
I still can’t believe that he proposed to me while we were in full costume after Halloween parties in 2005 – while that picture will haunt me for the rest of my life, the memory of him popping the question down on one knee in my living room will forever be one of my favorites. I remember how happy I was on my wedding day – not one jitter to be found. We’d had all the big debates and issues vetted in the 2 ½ years we dated, so there was no question in my mind this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I must have smiled bigger that day than I ever had as I floated down the aisle. He held my hands and rubbed the top of them all through the service - it’s like I can still feel that to this day. We made great fun memories traveling together, especially that first year – Maine, Hawaii, D.C., the Grand Canyon, Miami, Montreal…. He was a rock during all the disappointing times when we tried to start a family and could not. And then, after the initial shock started to dissipate, he was incredible during the 33 week pregnancy with the babies. I can see him painting their room and building their bookshelf so it would be exactly the right size. He was at all the ultrasound appointments and the morning we found out Baby C was a boy, he couldn’t stop grinning.
And then, likely our favorite memory, was October 2, 2010. After all the waiting and praying, God blessed us with three miracles. The day they were born, he raced up to the NICU with them while I was sewn up so that he could report directly what was going on instead of us having to hear it second-hand. There had been a debate about which boy would be Samuel and which would be William - Bray felt it should be the first born, and I felt we should meet them first to see their personalities. I remember Bray coming to post-op after leaving the babies to give the first account, and he was talking about them by name. And after a minute, I said, Hey wait, how do you know which one is which? And he said, Oops, I named them already – the sign is on their isolettes. Twelve hours later, when he was allowed to wheel me up to see the babies, I remember meeting them and thinking, “yep, he definitely has the right name.” He was so elated that day, smiling so broadly that everyone commented on it – he said later that night, “they are just perfect.” And they are.
B - Seven and a half years together and five years of marriage later, and I am so excited to be celebrating your 40th birthday with you and the kids. I still get goose bumps when you kiss me, admire your courage and honesty, and miss you when you go away. I love you more today than ever before, and I can’t wait to spend your next 40 years creating more memories together.
Gindi Vincent, Wife and Head Cheerleader for Team Bray

Surprise!

So finally, after six months of planning, I can write about it - Saturday night, I (along with many others) pulled off what I didn't believe was possible in a day and age of e-mails/texts/cell phones - a SURPRISE birthday party.  And not just any surprise party, but my husband's big blow out 40th Surprise Birthday Party!  And if you doubt whether or not it was actually a surprise, you should have heard what came out of his mouth as we pulled up to our dear friend's house and there were over 50 people in the street to welcome him with a big "surprise!"  I can assure you, my husband who does not like surprises or being the center of attention was not initially all that happily surprised.  But I think about 10 minutes into it, when he saw his favorite friends and all of his family, he started warming to the idea.  He didn't have to stand in a circle while people roasted him or open presents in front of a crowd, he just got to spent the evening hanging out with some of his favorite people.

So now, I'm recuperating.  Anyone who knows me knows I love to throw a good party.  But never have I been more motivated to throw a perfect party than now, for my husband, who I adore, and who I have never had the chance to throw a party for before!  I started planning at the beginning of the year.  Secured my location and then began to research themes and invitations.  Found this adorable place in Wisconsin to do a fishing themed surprise 40th invite which my mother and I then took up a notch with fishing lures & burlap.

They went out eight weeks in advance so those out-of-towners could plan to come in (which they did - thank you very much)!  Then began the on-line ordering process for all the customized items which arrived in a trickle at my office from April to June - banners, cocktail napkins, party favors, etc.  Oh how I wish I could do this for a living.  And then the cherry on top was the This is Your Life scrapbook for which 19 people contributed stories and pictures.  I became so emotional reading all these wonderful memories of Bray and watching him as he grew.  I spent hours at night at Walgreen's scanning old photos in when he was out of town and my mom stayed with the sleeping munchkins. 

All of it culminated on July 23rd, 4 days before his birthday, when we went to our friends for a "fish fry" at HIS suggestion!  Low and behold, the gang was all there.  I am completely exhausted but never have I taken on a more worthy endeavor for a more worthy person.  It was such a gift to see him register how much everyone loves him and how thrilled we all were to be able to be a part of his life.  As a part of this week's blogging, I'll post my story entry for the scrapbook, and maybe even the kids, but the rest of the entries are for him to enjoy and appreciate alone (and one day for our kids to sit and read and see how loved their daddy is).